Twilight Scandal
by Stupidfic
Summary: Link is tired of his wife Zelda, and has encountered a new love of his life
1. Link to bad marriage

-1Once upon a time there was a legendary hero named Link. He traveled across the land of Hyrule to slay the villainous Ganon and rescue princess Zelda. Grateful for her rescue, Zelda married Link and they lived happily ever after… for about a week. After seven days spending a honeymoon with his wife Link realized she was a total bitch who couldn't do shit for herself.

For the next five months things seem have gotten worse. Despite the fact Link was king, queen Zelda ordered him like a slave. The hero of Hyrule would always have to do some backbreaking task that the queen would demand him to do. Today, he had to travel to the top of Death Mountain for milk. Link suggested his wife to get milk from Lon Lon Ranch, which was quicker to reach and less hazardous. All he got for an answer was a swift kick to the nuts.

Grumbling with aches on the bottom of his feet and between his legs, Link was walking on foot to get some goddamn milk. He was too tired to continue on and promptly collapsed on the mountain floor. Looking to his left, Link saw a conveniently placed tavern with the name of 'Tingle's Fairy Bar.' He used his last ounce of strength to enter the bar, hoping some fairies may be inside to help restore his health. There was some fairies, but it was THOSE kind of fairies.

"You didn't expect this place to be a gay bar, huh?" spoke a feminine voice in the dark area of the bar.

Link nodded to whoever was talking to him. Suddenly, he fell over from exhaustion, but was quickly stopped from landing on the floor thanks to a giant hand . The hand pulled the weakened hero into the shadows. Now closer to the person, Link could clearly see the owner of the huge hand. It appeared to be a small imp girl wearing a rusty helmet of some sort. The giant hand was actually on top of her head, and in an instant the hand formed into regular looking hair. In her hands, which were much smaller compared to the large one, was a half-filled bottle of red potion.

"Drink this" the imp said as she gave the bottle to Link. "It will help make you feel better."

The king took swallowed the potion, and like the creature stated he wasn't so feeble anymore. He thanked her and asked who she was.

"Who am I?" the imp repeated the question. She smirked revealing her sharp teeth and answered "you can call me Midna."

-

TO BE CONTINUED. BECAUSE I'M TOO DAMN LAZY TO WRITE MORE IN THIS CHAPTER.


	2. mystery Midna

-1Link woke up in a startle. He looked around and noticed he was in his bed with bandages wrapped in different places on his body. The hero of legend pondered on how he got here. All he remembered was talking to Midna, getting drunk off his ass, making out with a Moblin, then getting mauled by a very flamboyant Volvagia.

The sound of a door opening shook Link out of his daydreaming. In came Zelda, with a look of relief on her face.

"Are you all right?" she asked. Link nodded, and was then slapped on the face. "What kind of pansy are you? All I ask you to do is bring back some milk and you end up getting dragged back unconscious… WITHOUT MILK! Sweet Triforce, you are the most incompetent Hylian I have ever laid eyes on. I would kill you right now, but then who would do my chores?"

The queen slapped her husband once more and left the bedroom. Link sighed in misery. He got cozy in his bed and hoped this all was just a horrible nightmare and when he wakes up he'll find the real Zelda with her throat torn open. Just then, Link noticed a peculiar lump in his bed. He tired flattening it, but instead the lump started moving. He quickly got out of the bed, grabbed a nearby knife, and pulled off all the covers on the bed. All he found oddly enough was Midna.

"Hello" she said with a sly grin. "You never told me you were king of Hyrule."

Link demanded to know how she got in his bed without anyone knowing. The imp giggled.

"I have the ability to morph into someone's shadow. Wanna see it for yourself?"

She instantly became ghost-like and swooped to next to Link's feet. In a millisecond Midna melted into a dark puddle in the shape of Link's body. She now looked like the king's shadow and it was so flawless you couldn't tell if it was real or not. Midna turned back to normal and floated right in front of the taller Hylian.

"I bet your wondering how I can float as well? Let's just say I'm full of surprises."

Link was wondering about something else. He asked why Midna was here at the first place.

"I've been kinda stuck with you on accident. When you got knocked out by that homosexual dragon I dragged you out from danger, and I must say you weigh a ton! So I pulled you the closest village I could find and became your shadow in case some villagers reacted negatively to my inhuman appearance. I would have left when you found and cared for, but didn't have the chance to turn normal without anyone seeing me until now."

Link thanked the imp girl for her noble deeds.

"It's the least I could do for the guy who paid for nearly all my drinks. But if you don't mind me being off-topic, but was that woman your wife?"

Link frowned and nodded.

"Wow, that bitch is crazier than a Queen Gohma! I feel bad for you, and I bet you have no friends that you can talk to. Since I have nothing better to do, I think I'll visit you often, now that I know where you live. See ya! Hehehe."

And then she vanished without a trace. Link was a little disappointed that Midna departed so soon, but his thoughts were interrupted when a servant came in.

The servant bowed down and spoke "madam Zelda wishes to see you for dinner. She also wants me to tell you there will be no milk to drink and it's all your fault you stupid Octorok fucker."

Link told the servant he will be there in five minutes. The servant left while Link got dressed. And as he put his dining clothes on, he stared at his shadow, just in case someone was watching.

-

TO BE CONTINUED! GAWD I SUCK AT ROMANCE FICS!


	3. oh baby

At dinner, Zelda dropped the bombshell on Link. She was pregnant and would be expecting the baby anytime soon. Link was extremely shocked, but he should have figured it out long ago when the queen had such a fat belly. Besides that, dinner was nothing new. The king had to sit on the floor eating the scraps his wife threw at him.

The following days Midna kept her promise and hanged out with Link while he was doing some ridiculous chore. And day by day the hero of Hyrule felt more closer to this strange creature. Soon enough, Link was in love with her. In fact he found the imp simply gorgeous. Sure, she was a midget and a bit on the chubby side, but it was her head that made her so attractive.

He wanted to tell her his true feelings, but would she love him back? The only way to find out would be tonight. He waited in the quiet privacy of the Hyrule field. He forgot what task he was suppose to do for Zelda, but right now he had more important things on his mind. Finally, after patiently waiting for seven minutes, Midna appeared in her usual mysterious way.

"Hello again Link" she said "you look like you got some free time on your hands."

The king of Hyrule gulped nervously.

"What's the matter? You look like you want to say something."

He did, but the problem was he didn't know how to say it. Midna's staring didn't really help encourage him as well. Not thinking clearly, Link unexpectedly moved forward and kissed Midna right in the lips. He realized what he just done and quickly took a step back. The imp floated in the air motionless, her eyes widened and her cheeks crimson red.

She whispered in shock "Link… did you just kiss me?"

The Hylian tried to explain, but was grabbed by Midna's hair and pulled right back to her lips. The two were then lying on the grass, passionately making out. To you it may look so wrong but to them it felt so right. After kissing for who knows how long, Link remembered what he was suppose to do. See Zelda give birth to the baby.

THE BABY?!?!?

Link stopped the romance and told Midna he has to go. Without any transportation to get to move through Hyrule field, the king jumped on the back of a random monster and rode all the way back to the palace. Once there, he was relieved to find out he wasn't late. In fact, he was right on time.

A servant noticed Link and told him "sir! The heir to the throne is arriving in any moment!"

"AHHH!" Zelda screamed as she laid on her bed giving birth. "IT'S LIKE TAKING A SHIT!!!"

The queen kept screaming as she pushed. It wasn't before long before a lovely baby boy came to the world. Everyone gasped. Why? Because the baby was black!

-

TO BE CONTINUED! INSERT SOMETHING NEGATIVE HERE!


	4. drunk disasters

-1Even though the baby was named Link the Second, the prince of Hyrule was no doubt the son of Ganon. Zelda denies it but it may be the fact she's too embarrassed of the possible events when she was held captive by the dark lord. Sleep didn't last long in the palace nights as the infant's cries were more powerful than those of the Redead. And feeding time was a hazardous task when the child will eat anything, including the feeder's hand along everything attached to it.

Of course, the one who was ordered to care for such a monster is none other than Link. Though he survived against thousands of vicious beings, the baby was another story. For the first day caring for his 'son', Link used up fifteen bottled fairies due to various deaths. He could just decapitate the baby, but it would wreak his reputation as the legendary hero of justice.

Tonight he finally put the tyke terror to sleep. The king was incredibly tired and ached everywhere. His pain faded away when two tiny hands relaxingly massaged his back.

"Rough day again, sweety?" cooed Midna. "It must be extremely hard to have so much on your hands on the time."

Link nodded. He smiled in pleasure as his secret lover rubbed his lower back.

"Well I have something to cheer you up. I brought some wine to celebrate all the times we've been together! It cost me 500 Rupees for each bottle, so you better like it."

Two wine bottles appeared out of nowhere and were placed into the lovers' hands. They clinked their bottles together.

"To you and I" the female imp cheered, pouring the liquid into her mouth.

It didn't take long for them to get completely drunk. They were sprawled out on the floor, telling each other tales of their lives. Midna, totally light-headed, was currently telling her story.

"…soooo then lord Zant sez to me 'u shod be weren cloz young ladah!' and I ask him 'how cum?' he sez 'it is very inapropiate to wak aroun naked' so I sez to him 'I wil do wat I want, cuz u no I'm sexah!' Then he baniched me to this stoopid relm. Now I'm all alon and I'm hurtn insid, but u, u Link r my bestest friend heer. I luv u so much! Y dos tat stoopid Celda hav to ruin ur lif? Letz get rid of her so we can be togethr forevr!"

That's when Link had a drunk idea, he will assassinate Queen Zelda! He told his mistress about his idea and she agreed with him.

"But how wil we do it? Hey, letz go threw ur hero junk and mayb we can uz one of them!"

The drunk king nodded and opened up a chest containing all the tools he used to conquer every dungeon. He browse through his gizmos to find one that could be of use. Magic boomerang? No. Hookshot? Nah. Bombchus? Nope. AHA! Link found just the right item for the job! The weapon he chose was the trusty Master Sword!

Now all was left was the death of Zelda. The two went to the royal bedroom in a very stealthy, yet tipsy, way. Inside, Link's wife wasn't asleep as the assassins expected, and she gasped upon the sight of Midna.

"Link!" Zelda yelped in fright, "why is that disgusting… thing doing here? Get rid of it!"

The 'thing' didn't take lightly to the queen's comment and shouted "I M NO MIDNA U SKANK! AND DA ONLY THING WEER GETTN RID OF IS U!"

Link charged forward with his sword in hand and Zelda ran in front of an open window.

"HELP!" she yelled "GUARDS! HELLLLLLP!"

The next second later she was shoved out the window. There was a brief screaming, then a silencing thud. Satisfied on their accomplishment, Link and Midna danced around hand-in-hand.

"We did it, Linkykins!" Midna cheered "we slayn dat bitsh Zelda and all is perfec! We can now b marryd and liv happly evr aftr!"

"Is that so?" Zelda muttered outside the window.

The drunken lovers jumped in surprise. How did she survive? And why is she able to float? Link and Midna looked outside and discovered the royal bedroom was on the first floor of the palace!

Guards busted in and pointed their spears at the king and his mistress. The drunks looked at each other, then jumped out of the window (right on top of Zelda) and ran off.

-

TO BE CONTINUED!


	5. on the run

-1The news quickly spread throughout Hyrule; the king had an affair and nearly murdered his wife. Link and his mistress are now on the run, the royal guards unable to find them.

"Dude, I swear they were in here a second ago" muttered one guard as his group for searching for the fugitives inside a cave.

Another guard sighed and responded "the only thing here is that wolf with a very bizarre-looking shadow. Let's go."

The guards turned around and left the cave. Link and Midna came out from the rock they were hiding under and looked at the wolf.

Midna muttered "wow, that shadow is pretty bizarre."

"Hey, your not so normal looking yourself, missy!" the shadow spoke unexpectedly. "Let's go Carl, let's go hang out somewhere less discriminating."

The wolf and his shadow left. The runaway lovers looked at each other and shrugged. They left the cave now that their pursuers were gone and headed for a nearby town.

Link asked Midna where exactly they were heading.

She replied "I know a place that can take us to my home realm. I know I've been exiled from there but I'm sure we can bargain our way in. All we have to do now is simply avoid the guards and it'll be a piece of cake."

When they saw the town over the horizon, Midna became Link's shadow and Link put on a mask to hide his identity. When he reached the town, the first thing he noticed was a large wanted poster with the picture of Midna and himself. Below the picture was the reward for whoever captures them dead or alive, and the reward was a hundred Platinum Rupees. One Platinum Rupee was impossible to find, but ONE HUNDRED?! Link took off his mask to see the reward's amount more clearer. Big mistake.

A towns person saw his face and shouted "HEY! IT'S THE WANTED KING OF HYRULE!"

"Link, you idiot!" Midna shouted as she turned back to normal to glare at her partner. "What you were you thinking blowing your cover in public?"

"AND HE HAS THAT IMP THING WITH HIM AS WELL!"

"Ah crap."

The two fugitives fled as everyone in the town came running after him. Various objects were thrown at Link and Midna to slow them down, but they managed to dodge most of them.

"This way Link" panted the imp as she pointed forward "our escape route out of this realm is over there."

Suddenly, their path was blocked by various creatures varying from the mighty Gorons to the sleek Zoras. How they got word of the hero and his lover's location so quickly was a mystery, but it was not the time to think about such things. The two runaways made a detour and got out of the way from their multiple captors.

Midna breathless spoke "just… a bit… further."

Up ahead was a mystical shrine. They practically leapt inside and locked the only way in. The interior of the shrine was pitch black, save for a speck of light shining on a simple mirror.

"There it is!" exclaimed Midna "the magic mirror that can take us to my realm! And there's nothing that can stop us now!"

That's when the room brightened up. Inside the shrine was an entire army of monsters that once worked for Ganon, and they were all staring at the unwelcome visitors. Before Link and Midna could do or say anything, the monsters attacked simultaneously and quickly knocked the two unconscious.

-

TO BE CONTINUED!


	6. the end

-1"It is time."

The imprisoned Link and Midna looked up at the guard. Their cells were soon unlocked and open, but they were far from being free. The criminal lovers held each other's hands as they followed the guard.

They were taken outside where everyone, human or monster, crowded around to see the big event. The ex-king and the female imp were escorted to their final location; the guillotine. When their heads were right above the blade that will end their lives, the two saw the executioner was none other than Zelda!

"People of Hyrule" the queen shouted to the crowd "Witness the traitors of our land, the king and his accomplice!"

The audience booed at Link and Midna.

"Their crimes are what the goddesses despise, attempting to murder the royal bloodline, having an affair, and having a deep relationship with another race!"

Few people gagged and fainted. Someone in the crowd showed "did they do it like animals?" and was quickly slapped upside the head.

"Worry no longer! In one minute they shall live in this world no longer, and their souls shall rot in hell, eaten by the Faces of Evil and beaten by the Wand of Gamelon!"

The audience cheered wildly.

The queen turned to her would-have-been assassins. "Any last words?"

"Yes" Midna spoke. "who gets the reward for capturing us?"

The crowd, still cheering, suddenly became silent.

"I get reward" shouted a Moblin "I grabbed them first."

"You think you get reward for that?" spat another Moblin "I knocked them out, I deserve reward more than you!"

"Oh come on, you monsters probably don't even know how to use rupees" replied a Hylian "I on the other hand, was the one that spotted the two and thus I am the one that should have the reward."

"No, I deserve the reward!"

"No, I do!"

"The reward belongs to me!"

"THE REWARD IS MINE!"

"gfvsbvstyyyyy6!!!"

And in a matter of seconds, the crowd was at each other's throats. All sorts of arrows, bombs, skulls, rocks, lasers and any other projectile flew everywhere as the brawl became more violent.

"PEOPLE!" Zelda shouted to the chaos. "STOP THIS INSANITY! AS YOUR QUEEN, I DEMAND YOU TO-"

She was silenced when a chair was smashed on to her back.

A servant, who was responsible for the random incident, said "whoops, sorry my lady. I got too carried away with all the excitement."

Zelda groaned in agony. She decided to get the execution over with already, but when she turned around, she saw that Link and Midna were gone.

-

_And so, the legendary hero and his lover escaped their beheading while no one was looking. They went back to the magical mirror and use it to transport themselves to Midna's realm. Although they ran into new problems with lord Zant, things were resolved when it was discovered Zant was in need of a male stripper. Link and Midna were soon married and lived happily ever after._

_As for Hyrule, the land became a war zone when everybody tried to kill each other in order to claim the one hundred platinum rupees. Queen Zelda, who was unable to stop the violence, died when a herd of Dodongos invaded her castle. Hyrule was then a ungoverned country where crime was supreme. Years later, the prince Link the Second came out of hiding and claimed what was rightfully his. He changed his name to Ganondorf and ruled with an iron fist. His tyranny ended when he slipped on a banana peel and cracked his head open._

_What happened afterwards remains a mystery to this day._

_THE END!_


End file.
